


Too Many Questions

by Ghostery



Series: Jim + Tilly Friendship [5]
Category: Star Trek: Discovery, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Not Really Character Death, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-16 19:16:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18697582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghostery/pseuds/Ghostery
Summary: He didn’t know a lot about Captain Pike, save for what everyone did when they looked up exceedingly decorated Starfleet Captains. At this moment, though, there was only one thing about the man that mattered to him: he’d been there.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> I really didn't think this would be a series. Once again, this is as canon-compliant as I could make it. Kirk states in The Menagerie that he only met Pike at his promotion to Fleet Captain and that's all we get. No beta, but I tried to not let anything awful slip through. Feedback is appreciated.  
> 9/26/19: low-level edits

It had been a lovely promotion ceremony and party although things were now winding down. Jim was likely to ruin all that remained. Still, this was his chance and while he hadn’t anticipated it, he wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity. He doubted he’d get another anytime soon. He just hoped this didn’t cost him his new command or his commission.

He didn’t know a lot about Captain Pike, save for what everyone did when they looked up exceedingly decorated Starfleet Captains. At this moment, though, there was only one thing about the man that mattered to him: he’d been there.

Jim approached Captain Pike, who didn’t seem to notice him. There were people all around him, but he looked lightyears away.

“Captain Pike?” he asked.

The man snapped back to the here and now.

“Yes? What can I do for you,” A lightning-quick look at his rank markings, “Captain?”

“Captain James T. Kirk, sir. I’d just like to talk to you, sir.”

“Of course, you’re taking command of the Enterprise. She’s a fine ship, you’ll never find another one like it. I’ll tell you what Robert April told me. Treat your ship right and your crew right and they’ll always bring you home.”

“Yes, sir.”

“You’re also getting my science officer, I believe. Lieutenant Commander Spock?”

“Yes, he’ll be my first officer.”

“You couldn’t get a better one. The only thing to watch out for there is his contemplative phases, he kind of turns inward. He’s a very private person, in any case. Just don’t bother him about them. They’ll pass and it doesn’t affect his work.”

“Sir?”

“No, he’ll never forgive me for saying any more than that and he’s a good man to have in your corner. Remember that.”

“Yes, sir. I still have a question for you, sir.”

“Enough of this ‘sir’ business, we’re both captains. Call me Chris.”

“Jim.”

“Well, Jim, shoot.”

“It’s not a question I’d like people to overhear.”

Chris looked puzzled by that.

“All right, let’s find somewhere quieter.”

 

* * *

 

It was unseasonably cold when they stepped out into the courtyard. Jim scanned the area, making sure it was as uninhabited as it appeared to be.

“Whatever you’re going to ask, make it quick. It’s freezing out here.”

“You didn’t only command the Enterprise. There was another ship.”

Jim turned back to face Chris.

“You must be mistaken,” he said lightly.

It belied the wariness Jim now saw in his eyes.

“With all due respect, sir, I’m not. I knew people on that ship. I had a good friend on that ship and I think you know what happened to them.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that.”

Shields up. Red alert. Jim sighed, but he wasn’t giving up.

“You must have known my friend.” Jim knew he had and would likely remember her. Tilly tended to make an impression and there’d been the nail bed debacle. Jim had sworn to Tilly that she’d laugh about it someday and Michael had agreed. It was always nice when she agreed with him. “She was on the bridge and in the Command Training Program. Her roommate was the science officer.”

For less than a second, Chris Pike’s composure fractured. Then the cracks were gone and all that was left was a captain dealing with a subordinate who was on thin ice.

“If you have a point, get to it.”

“I…” He’d been dreading this, but he had to know. “Was it quick? Was there time for pain? Did they have any warning?”

It all spilled out in a rush, like a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. He kept his eyes on Chris. Whatever the man had been expecting Jim to ask, it hadn’t been this. The mask fell again and his whole posture changed. There was a man with wounds that matched Jim’s own. Too many losses and each of them felt. Chris’s voice was quiet when he spoke again.

“No, no. There wasn’t any pain, there wasn’t any time.” His voice broke. “They had no warning at all. They were there and then they were gone.”

He let out a shaky breath which condensed in the cold air.

For a moment, Jim was just relieved. He’d gotten what he’d come for. Tilly, Michael, Lieutenant Commander Stamets, Commander Saru, and everyone else had deserved to live, but if they had to die… That wasn’t the worst way to go. Jim looked again at Chris.

The words had hurt him to say. The man was dredging up his own pain in the hopes of alleviating the pain of someone else, all because Jim had been rash enough to ask. The weight of command suddenly felt heavier.

“Si—Chris,” Jim said.

He didn’t know what else to do. Chris waved away his concern. In an instant, the man in front of him once again became the picture-perfect, highly decorated, and widely esteemed officer that Jim had seen throughout the pomp and circumstance of the day. It was who Fleet Captain Christopher Pike was, but it was also a mirage, Jim realized.

“Does that answer your question?” he asked, as though Jim had merely asked for clarification on a minor matter of procedure instead of details surrounding classified information.

“Yes, yes it does. Thank you.”

He sounded as dazed as he felt. He didn’t know whether it was from relief or seeing Chris do that… That felt like looking in a mirror and, instead of a reflection, finding a future for himself that he wasn’t sure he’d like, but was already barreling toward.Both. Definitely both. Chris stepped forward and put his hand on Jim’s shoulder and didn’t say anything until Jim had pulled himself together enough to meet his gaze.

“Don’t mention it.”

The words had the tone of an offhand comment, but the resonance of an order.

Jim nodded.

Chris removed his hand and shivered. “It’s too cold to stay out here chatting. Let’s go back in before they find us frozen solid.” 


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only thing Jim couldn’t figure out, even months later, was why he couldn’t shake the feeling that Chris had lied to him.
> 
> \---  
> Takes place sometime during Season One of TOS, after The Menagerie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, does anyone else remember those times in the show when Kirk would just become a bit obsessed with something, even if he didn't admit that was what was happening, and wouldn't stop until he'd worked it out? I hope someone does. Otherwise, this will seem weird.

The only thing Jim couldn’t figure out, even months later, was why he couldn’t shake the feeling that Chris had lied to him.He didn’t even know what the lie could have been. Had Discovery’s fate been some slow inexorable disaster instead of blindsiding instant destruction? Or had something else happened? If so, then where was the ship?

He was thankful and resentful by turns of how much work there was in running a starship. Sure, it kept his mind busy and sharp. It was stressful and rewarding. He had diplomacy, exploration, occasional combat, and a figurative mountain of administrative work to handle. That alone was more than enough. He had a yeoman of course, but organizing the things he had to read and sign didn’t decrease the number of documents. He was sure that there were people who reached this rank who thrived on the bureaucracy of it, but they probably had the sense to stay on a planetary base.

It all meant that he didn’t have the luxury of dwelling on the past, whether he wanted to or not.

He didn’t have time for it all to be dragged up again with Spock’s mutiny to aid Captain Pike. Jim still wasn’t even convinced he’d done all the right things there. He didn’t know what he’d want in the circumstances, continually anesthetized against the pain of his cells being constantly chewed up by radiation and repaired by the mobile life support system. Unable to move, unable to feel, unable to communicate effectively. He wished he could have really spoken to Chris again without the influence of the Talosians. Made absolutely sure Spock hadn’t gone off half-cocked with his scheme. He couldn’t reconcile the refusal of the man on the Starbase, the man he had seen on the view-screen transmission, the man he’d seen at the promotion, and the man Tilly had talked of with the man that had acquiesced. It was keeping him awake at night.

Everything swirled in his head as he ran steadily through the corridors of his ship. The same corridors that Captain Pike had once walked. Compounding the issue was the little niggling voice in his head that insisted Chris had lied to him. It was so selfish. He would have never brought it up under these circumstances. He would have been reluctant in any case. Now he’d never get the chance. He should really just be grateful everyone had gotten out of this with their lives, damn General Order 7 anyway.

As he leaned on a wall, out of breath, hands on his knees, he wondered how to make these thoughts leave him alone. He had a ship to run, that was more than enough to deal with.

 

* * *

 

Sometimes the only way out was through. Falling back on old habits, he researched and considered. He used his security clearance judiciously and covered his tracks. It led him back to his own ship.

He called Mr. Scott in for a friendly chat in his quarters. He cursed that there wasn’t space for him to have a ready room, it’d be so much better for meetings like this. Things were tight with the crew compliment four times larger than the ship had been originally designed for.

“Scotty whatever is said in here won’t leave this room.”

“Sir?” Scotty was confused now. “Sir, is this about the starboard thrusters by any chance? I know they ha—“

“No, it’s not about that. Whatever it is just get it fixed.”

“Aye sir, it’s on the docket.”

“It’s about your shipyard experience.”

Scotty had relaxed a tick but shot back to high alert when Jim spoke again.

“You worked on the construction of Discovery’s warp drive,” he said.

Scotty blanched.

“Sir.”

It was a plea.

“Like I said Scotty, none of this leaves this room.”

“I thought the construction was all wrapped up in red tape, sir. How’d you find out?”

“I checked your record. It wasn’t hard for me to put the pieces together,” he said.

Scotty slumped in his chair, his face still bemused.

“What good is it digging this up, sir? She’s gone. Classified, even.”

“What do you think happened to her?” Jim asked.

Scotty looked surprised.

“She blew up, sir.Catastrophic failure. Boom. We built her not to, of course. Had to have a lot of fail-safes with an experimental ship like that. We had to build an engine good enough to get them out of trouble if need be and she had a good hull on her. The systems were all the latest spec.” Scotty shook his head. “And what an imagination the gentleman did have. Thought he could safely travel with spores. Hell of an idea, I couldn’t make heads or tails of it, no matter how many of his papers I read. I’d rather stay with dilithium if it’s all the same to you, sir,” he paused. “I myself would like to know what went wrong. She didn’t seem any more likely to explode than any other ship I’d ever worked on.”

 

* * *

 

That was that. Another dead end on that front. Jim was running again in the dead of what passed for night on a Starship. He was no closer to any answers. It was just like he was no closer to figuring out how to talk to Spock about Captain Pike. Spock’s report had been wholly unsatisfactory on the topic of his motives and the whys of it all, especially now that they were sectors away from Talos IV and any certainty of his own actions had left him. Command probably wouldn’t notice, but it glared at him. There was so much unspoken. He slowed his pace to a jog, he’d have to get some sleep for the sake of his crew. He slowed further, easing into a cool-down walk back to his quarters. He noticed his surroundings fully again. He was outside Spock’s quarters. He walked away.

“Captain?”

Jim turned around. It was Spock.He packed a lot into that word. ‘What are you doing here?’ was definitely the loudest, unspoken but not unheard.

“Spock. I was just finishing a run. Clearing my head.”

“Indeed.” That had harmonic depths, too. “Vulcans prefer meditation, Captain, it leaves one much less... disheveled.”

Jim looked down.Sure he was sweaty, his shirt sticking to him and his hair a mess. However, unless they were his mother or his superior, hardly anyone had seen him like this and found him unsatisfactory. Maybe they were indifferent, but Spock very nearly sounded like he wanted tongs to dispose of him. How odd, especially for a Vulcan.

“Yes, I can see how that would be the case.” He felt parched. He cleared his throat. “It really is too bad I’ve never been able to get the hang of it.” S

pock was still staring at him.

“Fascinating.”

Spock went back into his quarters. Jim stood there for a second, before turning around and charting a more direct path to his quarters.

“Captain.”

He turned. It was Spock again. This time offering a cup with water in it. Jim took it.

“It’s important to stay hydrated. Goodnight, Captain.”

Then, he swiftly returned to his quarters.

“Goodnight, Spock,” he said to the empty corridor.

Bones was right. Spock was being peculiar.

 

* * *

 

This time Jim walked to Spock’s quarters with a purpose. He rarely intruded on Spock’s domain, but he’d thought a lot about where he should do this. This wasn’t going to be an enjoyable conversation for either of them. He told himself that he was giving Spock the home-field advantage, but he really just didn’t want Spock to be able to hide. He tapped the panel beside the door and was granted entry.

“Captain?”

“Spock. May I sit down?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Jim, please,” he corrected.

Spock raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

“Spock, this isn’t going to be easy... I read your report on Talos IV,” Jim said.

Spock tilted his head.

“I just want to know if you think you did the right thing, leaving Captain Pike there,” Jim finished. 

“Of course, Captain. They are the only people who can help him in his current condition.”

“Spock, do you really believe that’s what he wanted? He seemed dead set against it.”

“Yes, until General Order 7 was lifted, Captain. He would not have wanted anyone to sacrifice themselves for him, regardless of the benefits to him.” Spock said.

That made sense, but it didn’t sit exactly right. Maybe it was the sheer power that the Talosians wielded that made him uneasy, it was hard to keep any agency in the face of it. He wanted to trust that Spock knew Chris far better than he did. They’d worked together for over eleven years and himself? He’d spoken to Pike for maybe twenty minutes total. He just had to have trust.

“Spock, I know Vulcans have it in their nature to be loyal, but what did Captain Pike do to...” he trailed off.

Spock didn’t respond right away.

“He saved me, many times and in many ways. He believed in me when very few did. I returned a small portion of the favor he did for me.”

Almost unbidden, a connection sparked in his brain.

He couldn’t see the contents Spock’s medical file and he wouldn’t have looked, but Bones could as part of his duties. There was a period where it was redacted as classified, Bones had pointed out. Spock wouldn’t tell Bones why that was. He’d groused a lot about that. Spock didn’t say anything.

The Stardates, there was something about them. He thought to Spock’s personnel record. They corresponded to a personal leave Spock had taken. That leave overlapped Pike commanding Discovery. He didn’t know why he hadn’t seen it before. He took the leap.

“Spock, does this have anything to do the time Captain Pike commanded Discovery?”

Like he’d flipped a switch, Spock’s entire demeanor locked down, betraying everything and nothing of whatever storm was raging inside.

“Jim.”

It came out clipped. He’d crossed a line.However, now that he’d started, he couldn’t find it within himself to stop.

“It does, doesn’t it. I should have seen it before when I was talking about Tilly during R+R.”

Spock’s fingers twitched on the table between them and he balled his hands into fists.

“You were on leave, but you were also on Discovery.”

Spock just blinked once.

Jim took that as a ‘yes’.

“Spock... I... what happened?”

Spock was silent for what felt like an eternity.

“I cannot possibly tell you everything, Captain.”

“I understand that.”

“No, you do not.”

“Okay. Okay.”

Without thinking, he reached out and covered Spock’s fist with his hand, curling his fingers loosely over the wrist, and kept them there. Spock looked down and Jim couldn’t see his expression, but he didn’t move his hand away.

“You’re under no obligation to answer, arguably we shouldn’t be having this conversation.”

He waited.

“I took leave for personal reasons. There was something I needed to do. There was an unfortunate turn where I ended up accused of crimes I did not commit.” Spock finally withdrew his hand and interlocked his fingers together on the desk, close to his chest. “Captain Pike didn’t believe the charges and sent his Discovery science officer to find and retrieve me. She had... spent time... on Vulcan and he thought she’d be able to find me. He sheltered me on board until the charges were proven false.” Spock paused. Jim waited. “I’m sorry, Captain, there is not much more I can tell you.”

Spock’s expression was now indecipherable.

Jim sat back. So, Spock had known Michael, that was undebatable. Spock had likely known Tilly and everyone Jim had known on that ship and more. It was a lot to take in. He tried to think all the way back to the conversations he’d had with Tilly and occasionally Michael when she’d been around, but they weren’t as easily retrievable as they had once been. Oh well, if it bugged him enough he could go through his logs and try to piece it together himself without haranguing his XO.

“I only have one more question,” Jim said.

Spock tented his fingers and brought them up to his mouth, tilting his head and raising an eyebrow. Well, it wasn’t an outright refusal, but clearly, Spock thought him well beyond impertinent.

“What happened to the ship and its crew?” Jim asked.

Spock crossed his arms.

“I cannot say.” Jim nodded. “It is a matter of some delicacy, for both of us. As I’m sure you must be aware.”

The warning was clear, he’d pressed his luck too far.

“Right, yes, of course. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

He got up and walked to the door.

“Jim,” Spock started. He turned around. Spock was still seated, looking straight ahead. His voice sounded distant when he continued, “I cannot tell you what happened to that ship, but I have reason to believe that its fate was not as dire as the record shows.”

Jim nodded.

“Thank you. Goodnight, Spock.”

“Goodnight, Jim.”

Spock still wasn’t looking at him. He left.

 

* * *

 

When he got back to his own quarters, he poured himself a drink. He hadn’t meant to ask Spock about Discovery. He’d managed to put away most of his suspicions about Spock’s reaction to the mention of the ship during shore leave. It’d been over five years, he should have been able to let it lie. He had decided he wasn’t going to pry. Then he’d gotten selfish. He’d pushed. He’d even asked Scotty about it. What had he gotten out of it in the end? Conflicting accounts, strained relationships, and more guilt.

His door chimed.

“Come in.”

“I see you started without me.”

“Just. Sit down Bones, I’ll pour you one.”

They drank silently for a moment. Jim’s mind was unhelpfully playing back the events of the evening. Spock’s words before he left seemed more genuine than what Chris Pike had said about Discovery’s fate, or maybe that was wishful thinking. It didn’t feel like wishful thinking. He certainly didn’t doubt the emotions he’d seen from Pike, whatever had happened had affected him. Spock’s reactions, such as they were, cemented that for him. 

“You’ve been holding out on me,” Bones said, disrupting his thoughts.

“I’ve been holding out on both of us, then. I just got this over leave and opened it tonight.”

“What’s the occasion?” Bones asked.

Jim just shrugged.

“Nothing in particular.”

“Don’t lie to your doctor, it’s rude. You’ve had something buzzing in your head for weeks and now you’ve figured it out.”

“Bones, do you think we did the right thing sending Chris Pike to the Talosians?” Jim asked.

Bones emptied his glass and refilled it.

“Medically, if there was anything I could do to help him, I would have moved Heaven and Earth to do it.” He stared into his glass. “He’s stable enough in his apparatus and the Talosians are sophisticated enough that I doubt his health will degrade any quicker there than in a medical ward here. At least with them, he can express his mind more fully than just ‘yes’ and ‘no’. I hate that it came to this. We’ve come so far. We should be able to do more for cases like his,” Bones paused and Jim nodded. “That’s not all of it though. You haven’t been right since Scotty mentioned that one ship. Spock hasn’t either, come to mention it.”

“Bones, don’t say anything about what you’ve noticed to Spock.”

“Who me? Never dream of it.”

“Seriously, it’s a difficult topic for him.”

“Now I’m not going to stick my nose in where I’m not wanted, but as the CMO around here, I have to ask. This other thing with that ship you’ve been worrying about _does_ have to do with Spock? You talked to him about it? You’re sure you haven’t seen or felt anything to warrant me calling either of you in for a full physical?”

“No, I haven’t and yes, I’ve talked to him.”

“Good. I hope it helps. If he gets any surlier, I won’t be able to stand it.”

“Surlier?”

“Don’t tell me you hadn’t noticed. I don’t think he’s had a friendly word for anyone in ages. Notthat he’s ever all that warm and amiable.”

“Has it been affecting his work? You’re closer to his departments then I am.”

“You mean is anyone in Sciences staging a coup? No. Nothing like that, he’s just colder and more distant than usual. A little more demanding maybe, but nothing they can’t handle.”

“Well, I’m sure it will pass.”

“Everything does, Jim. Everything does. Which is why you’ve got to stop wallowing in whatever this is. Whatever you regret, whatever happened, it is what it is. You can’t go back and change anything. All you can do is move forward.”

Bones was right, he knew. It was past time to put this all to bed and just get on with things. He’d done it before and he would do it again.

“Well then Bones,” Jim said, topping up their glasses and raising his, “to moving forward.”

“Hear, hear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this gave me a little trouble. Rewriting and editing this gave me even more trouble, so I hope it was worth it. Feedback is appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> There may be a second part that follows this. By that I mean I have one 80-90% drafted, but it's quite different. I don't know what to do with it.  
> [My tumblr](https://bitterific.tumblr.com/)


End file.
